31 July 2010, 10:51 am
im 32 and have faced quite a few problems throughout my life , personality disorders , rage problems , prison , violence problems , low self confidence , severe anxiety disorders - i have generalised anxiety disorder . thankfully , most of it is in my early past , and growing up as a late teen, i got bullied, victimised because i was reserved and quiet - and i missed out on a fair bit of normal, average life as a result of my mistakes , juvenile problems and psychological problems. i missed out on things like building relationships and friends , didnt go to higher education or get work or a job - most of the expected things one does. ive made progress for years living in a one bedroomed flat on sick benefits , albeit very lonely , not having many possessions except my custom built computer , trying to cooperate with the mental health resources which have been quite poor , to get the treatment and psychotherapy i want. i spend most of my time alone , i do suffer with loneliness and deep insecuritys as a result of my obsessional anxieties each day - i worry about everything manically, my health , my future , my security , the government stopping my benefit money because of the recession , and other things. how ill build relationships with similar minded people at the age of 32 , even though im very reserved and reclusive , i do expect to build some relationships with people of my liking. anyway , all of that aside , i slept in late today because i was up a lot through the night , when i woke up , my intercom buzzer rang , i answered it and some chav sounding guy with an intimidating voice said '' taxi , taxi '' - id just woke up and felt a bit intimidated and didnt know if it was genuine or not so i pressed the buzzer to open the main entrance - and id heard some guy storm up the stairs shouting like a knob up the flight of stairs to the flat above me where a middle aged alcoholic lives . the guy that i let in must of known the guy above me who is at times a rowdy , noisy alcoholic - has fights with his girlfriend . ive complained about him before , and soon as i do , he pipes down and you never hear a sound from him until weeks later and when he has a drink and loses it . but as far as tonight and letting this guy in at the main entrance , i feel annoyed with myself that i allowed myself to feel intimidated by some prik at the door , and i let him in because i felt intimidated ..... i also felt insecure that someone like that was visiting a neighbour directly above me. anyone know what i mean or think i handled it inadequately like i thought ? sorry for my grammar and spelling, im not the best at it unfortunately.... Read More »
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